ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
