would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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