my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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