Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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