If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
