So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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