I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
