My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Actions speak louder than pants.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
