A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
