I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
God, I missed his penis.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
