Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
