my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Come on in and take your pants off
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