The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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