as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
