I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
