Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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