I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
