The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
