I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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