"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
She's the barista slut.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I need to calm my uterus...
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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