did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
