It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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