things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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