Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
