the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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