He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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