So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
