True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
