there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Randomize
