yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
