How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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