have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I think I just sharted jello shots
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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