is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
