Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
