I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
