i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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