Pants 0. Shit 1.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
