Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
