yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Randomize
