I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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