U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
