Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
