I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
