I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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