I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
