All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
