why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize