I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
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