mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
