I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
