you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
