My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
