I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
