Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
