Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
