while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
