Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Mom said you looked used
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
