you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
