it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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