do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
