OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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