You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
